


Loss

by ModernBookFae



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 08:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10693086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernBookFae/pseuds/ModernBookFae
Summary: Nesta has only recently discovered she is pregnant with Cassian's child, but he spends most of his time at the camps before she ever has the chance to tell him. When tempers flare Nesta leaves with an Illyrian scouting group in an attempt to salvage a day that was supposed to be happy. But loss is never easy nor is it what we ever expected. This lesson is going to be taught to Nesta and Cassian in the harshest of ways.





	Loss

Frigid anger kept Nesta silent as she pulled on her flying leathers and packed a small satchel to take with her on the surveillance sweep along the edge of the Night Court. Cassian hadn’t come up the stairs. He was either in shock or fuming at what he had discovered while they visited the Inner Circle at the House of Wind. Granted Nesta wasn’t sure what he was feeling since she created a wall on her side of the mating bond. She had to do so or else she would drown in a storm of emotions.

Her hand drifted to her stomach. A small bump barely visible underneath her grey shirt. She had kept her pregnancy a secret for three months in the hopes of surprising Cassian when he returned from the camps, but somehow they had gotten into a heated argument about him needing to be home a bit more often instead of with the troops.

Nesta merely broached the topic as a hint to her pregnancy, but then it all changed when they started fighting about it. Cassian still had no clue about the pregnancy until they left for the House of Wind.

It was an unexpected visit from the Suriel that ruined Nesta’s surprise. The creature had originally arrived to bring news to Feyre, but as it was leaving it offered its congratulations to Nesta and Cassian on the unborn child.

Needless to say everyone was brimming with happiness, but Cassian didn’t – couldn’t say a word as he was shocked by the reveal. Nesta knew he was excited though. They had been trying to have a child for years now. All the others in the Inner Circle along with Elain and Lucien already had children of their own.

But the fact that Cassian was silent ripped Nesta’s heart little by little until she finally decided that a trip with a group of Illyrian scouts was needed to get her mind off of things.

Nesta sighed in the bedroom she shared with her mate. She almost hoped he would ask her to stay, but perhaps it was better for them both just to take a moment to breathe before their emotions got the better of them.

She walked down the hall of their home in Velaris and entered the living room. Cassian was seated at the kitchen table reading a book about military strategies. His eyes drifted up and saw her attire.

“You’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question.

“I’m going to scout along the borders with a few other Illyrians,” Nesta said. “Just a routine check.” _Please ask me to stay._

Cassian was quiet for a moment. His hazel eyes assessing her and flickering down to her stomach.

“Fine,” he clipped out as if he hated himself for it. He knew there was nothing in his power to stop her though he desperately wished she would remain at home where it was safer. But he wasn’t going to ask that of her. He wasn’t going to be one of those males that pressured his pregnant mate to be extremely cautious to the point where it was smothering. He couldn't do that to Nesta. Not after what the war and everything had done to them. “I might be gone when you return since I have to survey one of the camps in the farther mountains.”

“Did Rhysand ask you to do that?” Nesta tried to hold in her venom. Why couldn’t he be here when she got back? Why did it seem like she was always the one waiting at home for him? Sure he was the Commander of Rhysand’s armies, but that still didn’t mean he couldn’t join her when she returned home herself from Illyrian missions.

“I volunteered to go,” Cassian said. When he saw the look on Nesta’s face his brow furrowed. “Nesta I can’t just abandon the troops. They’ll still need me-”

“Right as if our family won’t need you,” Nesta rolled her eyes and didn’t hold back her words. “You’ll be here one day when this baby – _our_ baby arrives, and the next time you come back the child may already be growing up so fast that they will see you more as a visitor than a father.”

Cassian stood up. His body tense with restrained anger at the thought of being considered a terrible parent. “You know I wouldn’t do that, but I also have a priority to protect this court.”

“Your family should be more of a priority Cassian! You’re hardly here it seems and when you are it’s like you’re not even truly with us,” Nesta swung her arm out. “Your trips to the camps have progressively gotten longer to the point where I might not even see you for months. Months! Do you not understand how that makes me feel?”

“I can’t just drop everything and come home-”

“Can’t or won’t Cassian,” Nesta interrupted. “There’s a difference.”

A muscle ticked in Cassian’s jaw as he gritted his teeth. “You think I enjoy being away from home. From you?”

“Well you’re making it feel that way,” Nesta admitted softly. “And honestly I hope our baby won’t ever feel that way either.”

Hurt flashed across Cassian’s face. Nesta flinched at his obvious pain as the words struck a deeper chord between them.

Cassian who was abandoned as a child. Left without a home or anyone to care for him.

“Cassian,” Nesta said softly and reached a gentle hand down the bond. But was met with a searing defensive wall of flame that made her stumble.

“Just go,” Cassian whispered. He turned away and began rifling through the kitchen.

Nesta bit her lip wanting to take back what she said and offer him an apology. But her throat clenched and a day that was supposed to be filled with love and happiness turned silent. Only the pain of their previous exchange of words echoed between them.

Without another word Nesta left and closed the front door with a soft click. It sounded too loud in her ears. As if that one little noise was the final sounding toll in her horrendous day. 

Hours passed and there was no sign of trouble along the border. Nesta doubted that there would be, but it was always better to be prepared. The war had ingrained that into her mind.

“Should we make our way back to camp?” One of the male Illyrians asked.

Nesta nodded. She and three other Illyrians banked left on the wind and began to fly back to their homes.

As they passed over one of the streams in the forest Nesta felt troubled. At first she thought it was her mating bond, but the she realized that Cassian hadn’t sent anything down it. In fact the bond had remained quiet since she left their townhouse.

An odd stillness carried across the forest below.

“Something isn’t right,” Nesta scanned the trees below. The further they traveled the worse her unease grew. She glanced at her group and gave them each subtle nods that they understood.

Be ready.

And then chaos errupted.

Ash arrows shot into the sky causing the Illyrians to follow their training and duck closer to the trees out of sight of the archers. All of them narrowly missed the potentially deadly projectiles.

The minute they landed a group of beasts and the few straggling soldiers that remained from Hybern’s army leapt from the bushes and trees.

“Looks like we’re in luck,” one of the wretched beasts said. “We’ve come across an Archeron. And it’s the Illyrian Commander’s mate.”

Nesta struck swift as an adder. Taking out multiple enemies as her fellow warriors did the same.

But she didn’t see the ash arrow being nocked into a bow yards away. Nor did any of the other Illyrians notice that the fiercely protective female they had come to know and love was shot at until it was too late.

Blood spilled from the injury. The arrow was lodged below her ribs and the piercing cry she let out made the trees shudder.

Her fingers clasped the wound. Instinctively she thought of her unborn baby.

_No. No. No._

In the background the battle waged on until Nesta was forced to continue or else she and the warriors with her would die. Throughout the remainder of the battle she held her stomach. Praying to the Mother and any other Gods that would listen.

_Please don’t take my baby. Please._

Her worry and rage froze her bloodstream. She channeled those emotions into surviving. Blades sliced through flesh and she personally wanted to slit the throat of the fae who shot her with the arrow, but knew they needed at least one survivor to question. And he was the last one still breathing by the time the fight was over.

Quickly the Illyrians flew back with their captor, but Nesta struggled to keep up.

They flew immediately to the House of Wind. Or at least that was the last thing Nesta remembered before she plummeted to the stone balcony. Faintly she could hear someone screaming – roaring her name before darkness pulled her under.

Nesta didn’t know how much time had passed when she opened her eyes again. Light beamed in from the tall windows and glass door leading to the balcony. This room was familiar. It was the one she shared with Cassian at the House of Wind.

Nesta groaned and attempted to sit up in the large bed as pain shot in the lower part of her abdomen.

With a gasp she flung the covers off and pulled up the hem of a clean shirt that someone had changed her into.

A small scar marred her skin from where the arrow hit its mark. Nesta’s hand slowly caressed her stomach as she searched for the little flickering flame that was her child.

Nothing.

She tried again and again, but her efforts were futile.

Her body began to shake and her walls completely shattered under the loss of her baby. Tears poured down her face as she cried and screamed and begged.

How could she lose her child before it had even entered this world?

Nesta was so distraught that she was unaware of the door opening from the far side of the room. She paid no attention to it. Currently she felt as though her world was falling apart and there was no way to salvage the pieces. She rocked back and forth cradling her stomach where her baby should be, but no longer was.

But then she was being cradled herself. Strong arms wrapped around her body and brought her against a warm broad chest. Her ear rested against the steady heartbeat that became her anchor. The only thing keeping her tethered to sanity.

“Nesta,” Cassian’s voice was soft. So soft that Nesta barely heard him over her sobs.

“Cassian,” Nesta choked out through her tears. “I’m so sorry.” She was sorry that she had fought with Cassian. Sorry that she couldn’t protect their baby. And she could never forgive herself for losing the most precious thing that they never got to have.

“It’s-“ Nesta hiccupped and tried to take a breath though she struggled to do so. “It’s my fault our baby-” She couldn’t even finish as she almost heaved over the side of the bed. She was a wreck. Both emotionally and physically.

“Nesta,” Cassian held her tighter. His voice was firm, yet gentle. “You are _not_ to blame. Do you understand?”

Nesta was unable to speak so she shook her head against Cassian chest. Tears soaked into his white shirt and wrinkles formed in the fabric as she clung to him.

 _But I want our baby back. I want all the memories we should have had together as a family._ Nesta brokenly thought.

“I know you do,” Cassian answered her having heard her through the bond. Each depressing word struck him deeper than any wound he had ever received in battle. “I want our little one along with the future we should have had.”

He paused to take a shuddering breath.

“And I should be the one apologizing for arguing with you,” Cassian murmured against the top of her head. “Maybe if I had listened or hadn’t let you go after our fight then things might have been different.”

“I don’t blame you Cassian,” Nesta whispered against his chest. “I could never blame you for that.”

Cassian hugged her closer so that she could nestle against the crook of his shoulder.

“Then don’t condemn yourself either,” Cassian’s voice cracked. “Please Nesta. To hear you say those things – to even feel them breaks me more than I already am.”

Nesta looked up into her mate’s face and saw tears streaming down his cheeks. He reached his hand to cup the side of her face and brushed away her tears with his thumb.

“Nothing can ever replace our child,” Cassian said. “But maybe one day we’ll have the chance for the baby we deserve when we’re both ready.”

“Cassian I-”

But the words left Nesta mouth as Cassian lowered his forehead against hers.

“I’m not saying we try again any time soon. It can be decades or centuries later,” Cassian said. “And if for some reason we are unable to have a child then I’ll still love you with all my heart. You’re my family Nesta. And if it’s just us then I’ll always consider myself the luckiest male alive, because I know you’ll be by my side for the good and bad that the future brings.”

Nesta trembled in his arms at his raw admission. She tilted her chin up to look into those watery hazel eyes. Her fingers shakily wiped away the tears until she used her lips to kiss them away at the corners.

“Thank you Cassian,” Nesta inhaled his scent as she rested her face into the crook of his neck. Finding comfort in the familiar smell of spice, embers and the essence that was Cassian’s warm comforting hold.

They remained in bed for hours. Holding each other together before they tucked themselves under the covers to recover after their tragic day.

Cassian stayed awake long after Nesta’s exhaustion overtook her as she fell asleep against Cassian’s chest. In the safety of his arms she succumbed to a deep slumber.

Those very arms were the ones that had caught her when she was falling from the sky. He could smell the blood on her along with her frantic thoughts that beat against his walls until he let them in. The wave of fear almost brought him to his knees and when he saw her tumbling from the air his instincts took over.

He carried his mate to their room and fell into a primal protective nature that snarled at anyone who got too close. And when he discovered her injury and the loss of their child there was nothing to stop him from finding the filth that had harmed his family.

He made sure that his prisoner suffered during the interrogation. He took his time burning the limbs and cutting him with a blade until nothing was left, but it did nothing to ease Cassian’s sorrow. Because in the end there was nothing he could do to bring back his and Nesta’s baby.

After he had cleaned up Cassian returned to where Nesta slept in their room. For hours he stayed by her side. Knowing that she would need him when she awakened to find that their precious gift they had created together was no longer in her womb.

But then he left the room for one minute to tell Feyre and the others that he wanted time alone with Nesta before they saw her. He wanted to speak with his mate privately and without interruption.

That was when he heard her cries.

The sound alone made him wish he could have fought in hundreds of battle if it meant not hearing that noise of complete agony come from his mate.

Cassian would have given anything to cease Nesta’s pain.

Even now with her in his arms he knew that the pain would still linger. Perhaps it would never go away completely. For him it never would.

But he was thankful that at least Nesta was not stolen from him today either. That was the one mercy he was given. And he did not plan to squander it.

He kissed her forehead as she slept. A silent promise. From this day on he would make sure to shorten his time in the camps. His troops would be fine without their Commander being present so frequently.

And he vowed to better protect his mate. For he could not bear to see her in such a state again. He would do everything in his power to prevent Nesta from falling into another pit of despair and loss. He would do everything in his power to prevent Nesta from falling into another pit of despair and loss even as he was teetering on that edge.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't be afraid to comment or join in the Nessian ship on [tumblr](http://modernbookfae.tumblr.com)!


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